I believe that God works in mysterious ways. Countless times over the last six years I have cried myself to sleep hoping, praying, yearning for the man I loved and I to find a way to be together and to create a future together. Last year, after we parted at Verona in Italy, the days that followed were etched in a blurry haze of tears, grief and darkness. I couldn't make sense of anything. I thought my prayers and intentions had been misplaced and I couldn't understand how there could be another way forward.
For the first time since we met, for over 12 months we have not exchanged a word. Then out-of-the-blue, I recently received an unexpected email from him. It was nonchalant, non-maleficent, non-committal and devoid of any affection and charm. He wrote that he would like to travel to Australia and New Zealand next Summer and suggested that I may like to join him.
In the days that followed emotions varied, peaked and finally plateaued.
Initially I was bewildered by his email, then surprised by the absence of any remorse or reference to our last time together, next I slide into fantastical imaginings of seeing him again and what I'd wear, and then finally once I had recouped the memories and sensations of our last time together, my response became very clear. I no longer love or trust him and so there is nothing for me to gain by seeing him again.
It has taken me a long time to come to this realisation, and it is without regret, bitterness, sadness or any emotion. It is simply what I believe now to be the truth.