"There it goes again..."
"What is it....?"
"Its the sound of the penny dropping".
Confused?.... OK let me explain. Over the past few days the penny has dropped, that is to say that I have come to understand and accept that there is NO future for Marco and I and that I'm OK with that. No more tears, no more questions, no more searching, wanting or wishing.. and no more turning myself inside out. This overdue reality crystallised last week following a series of events and an extended period of illness (10 days sick at home with laryngitis!!!).
I've realised that we can't even be friends because Marco only wants to - see me, speak to me, or allow me to be a part of his life - when it's convenient for him. To be fair - I've allowed this to happen and facilitated it, because in the beginning: I was in love with him; I knew that I had returned to Florence mainly for him; I wanted his affection, love and a resolution; and I valued his companionship. The last three months however have been bloody awful at times. I've felt vulnerable, alone, scared and foolish and when I reflect back on those times, he wasn't really there for me as a confidant, true friend, companion, lover or a shoulder to lean on. Furthermore, he never once told me that he was happy I was back in Florence and even though I felt happy and secure in his company, the moment we parted and in the days that followed, I would feel sadness, loneliness and anguish at not being with him. I would often think about him, but didn't feel free to express myself and would feel a yearning and insecurity to see or hear from him again.
Confused?.... OK let me explain. Over the past few days the penny has dropped, that is to say that I have come to understand and accept that there is NO future for Marco and I and that I'm OK with that. No more tears, no more questions, no more searching, wanting or wishing.. and no more turning myself inside out. This overdue reality crystallised last week following a series of events and an extended period of illness (10 days sick at home with laryngitis!!!).
I've realised that we can't even be friends because Marco only wants to - see me, speak to me, or allow me to be a part of his life - when it's convenient for him. To be fair - I've allowed this to happen and facilitated it, because in the beginning: I was in love with him; I knew that I had returned to Florence mainly for him; I wanted his affection, love and a resolution; and I valued his companionship. The last three months however have been bloody awful at times. I've felt vulnerable, alone, scared and foolish and when I reflect back on those times, he wasn't really there for me as a confidant, true friend, companion, lover or a shoulder to lean on. Furthermore, he never once told me that he was happy I was back in Florence and even though I felt happy and secure in his company, the moment we parted and in the days that followed, I would feel sadness, loneliness and anguish at not being with him. I would often think about him, but didn't feel free to express myself and would feel a yearning and insecurity to see or hear from him again.
When you don't feel good or strong the next day after being with someone - this for me is an important sign. Anyway, Good-bye 'Mr Marco my Florentine Prince'. Our story was lovely but you are not my future and we were not meant to be.
Whilst 'the best is yet to come', I'm just so happy to be feeling healthy, strong and free again. I can breathe, I can dance, I can enter a room and smile, laugh and be me again... Now I've experienced being independent and self sufficient and I've experienced being in love and open hearted and for a time I had someone to share and dream with. This time the pendulum doesn't have to shift back to independent Jules it can rest peacefully somewhere in the middle. I'm glad I returned to Florence and I'm glad I returned when my heart was ready to love and be with him and I'm even thankful for experiencing all the emotions I've had to traverse to arrive at this realisation, because this time I didn't run away, shield or deny my feelings. As best I could, I stood on the edge of the high mountain cliff and with my arms stretched out wide and my face turned up to the sky, I dived in... I surrendered... I have lost what I 'thought I wanted', but in time I'll realise what I need and what is mine is still out there waiting for me.
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