I don't understand why...

Caro Marco,

When I went to Italy in February 2007 my intention was to stay (preferably in Rome) for 12 months. 'To live a dream' and to enable me the physical and emotional freedom to live this dream, I placed my belongings in storage in Melbourne, arranged for my house to be rented, de registered my car, took leave of my profession, and put a pause of my life in Melbourne - relationships, work/career, hobbies, and other dreams/ambitions. I decided to travel to Italy because I wanted to experience it’s people, food, arts, culture, language and to connect with my heritage. I was excited and keen to immerse myself in new experiences and to confront whatever challenges or new opportunities may present.

Along the way I found the chance to express myself in ways I hadn't been able to before and to do things I hadn't done before - and this made me happy. I found happiness again in simple things and I felt free from programs, ambitions and symbols of success. I was fortunate to find work and to meet interesting, courageous and inspiring people. I started forming friendships, I had time to do the things I enjoy (cycle, kayak, hike), and I met a man who for the first time in my life stopped-me-in-my-tracks. Someone I admired and was attracted to. A friend and lover who I had great fun and pleasure with, who I shared beautiful moments and experiences with and who I eventually fell in love with.

In December 2008, I stopped myself (i.e decided that I needed to return to Australia to see how everyone and everything was). I don't exactly know why I decided to do this. Maybe because I was scared that our love story was too powerful and too beautiful to be true. Maybe I was afraid that it couldn't endure and that I was dreaming? Maybe I was scared I was losing the Jules I'd known...

Have you ever felt so happy that you think your dreaming..? When I am with you I feel like I am flying... soaring. My heart, mind, body and soul find synergy with you and an immeasurable, inconceivable and completely tangible happiness. That's how I've felt since I met you. From th beginning I have been so happy, I was afraid that it could end.

Even though I didn't want to leave you, we both knew that I had to return to Australia. In December 2007 I departed Florence and planned a brief Summer sojourn back home to process my visa applications and to spend time with family and close friends. I definitely knew that I wanted to return to Florence, that I loved you and that we wanted to be together.

When you came to Australia my dream recommenced... The moment I saw you at the airport I thought that my heart was going to stop. You were so beautiful. Then within 48 hours of your arrival in Melbourne, while we were seated at sunset on the shores of Elwood beach you earnestly and tenderly looked into my eyes and asked me to return to Firenze to 'live-together-in-Firenze'.Instead of the response we both had anticipated, I found myself unable to say "yes".. and bewildered by my own uncertainty  I became silent. When you went swimming in the sea I sat on the nearby bench transfixed with your words and my questions circling in my head:
      
            If you loved me, why did you ask me to live with you.. I thought if you loved me, you would ask me to marry you. What does 'live-together-in-Firenze' really mean? Does this mean no marriage. No children. Just be with you for... for how long... and then what?.. Leave my family, friends and country to just follow you and your dreams...

Gradually my emotions dissipated into disappointment, hurt and then anger.

I realise now that when you said:

           I want to buy you jewellery... I want to make an announcement to your family and close friends... I want them to know that I love you.. I want you to come and live in Italy with me...

that these words were only intended to be gracious, beautiful, heartfelt and tender. Perhaps there was more that you intended to say, but at the time all I heard was my heart pounding with fear and somehow something was stopping me from saying yes. 

I realise now that it wasn't about the proposal or your selection of words; it was me and my reactions. Countless times you had shown that you loved, cherished and adored me. You flew around the world to be with me, to meet my family, friends, work colleagues, visit the areas I frequented in Melbourne, and after nine years of seperation commenced your divorce proceedings. You were trying to offer me everything I wanted - you, all of you and a future together. Your heart and head were in the right place. But it was I, who in the end lacked faith and courage. I'm sorry to say, but my spirit didn't fully believe that you wanted an enduring, faithful and committed relationship with me and therefore I couldn't freely accept your beautiful offer. More than this, I don't understand why I said nothing...

Sorry Marco. I'm sorry that my response wounded you as much as it did. You seemed so strong and resilient; and I felt so confused, fragile and vulnerable. With my confusion, conceitedness, and naivety I didn't effectively communicate or try to clarify my feelings, instead I pushed against you and your tenderness. A vain reflex. I think I was trying to punish you for offending me and in some lurid way, I probably thought that my behaviour would change your mind. I should have been more mature.

My (re)actions, decisions and words are insensible to me now, and I can not fully understand why I did or said those things, I know that I was being true to you and to myself.  I was afraid of making a commitment that was different to the one I had envisaged, and prepared for mentally and emotionally.

Slowly I have began to realise that the Jules that flew away to chase dreams never prepared herself for what might happen if she eventually caught those dreams. Or rather what she would say and do, if her dreams caught her.

When I was a young girl, I yearned to do many many things. To reach beyond my boundaries. In the years that followed as I explored the world, I discovered that there wasn't often many opportunities to share these journeys and insights with others. So I explored the mountains on my own. Over the years I've climbed one mountain after another; and I suppose I've became accustomed to walking alone. After experiencing walking alongside someone for a while I realise that love is not only about beauty, shared values, experiences and visions; it's about nurturing the other person and realising that building something together takes faith, courage, trust and personal sacrifice.

If only we could find that middle road where we could walk slowly or sit peacefully and lovingly together again.

You are still beautiful to me and I miss you. Will I ever see you again?