Clarity

On Wednesday I was seated in my terrace quietly concentrating on the final preparations of Hold me with your heart, when a text from Marco came through. He was asking me whether I wanted to spend the weekend together (that is Easter Saturday and Sunday). His message was unexpected, but joyous and I quickly responded affirmatively via a text. Then Marco sent another text confirming the invitation. No details were specified just a mutually joyous response.

In hindsight, it may have been better had I rung him (rather than continue via texts), but it was late and I was trying to complete the book. Besides I was confident that we would talk further the following day. However I never received that call. This was very atypical for Marco and by Saturday evening I had become genuinely concerned that something terible may have happened to him. Then after leaving several messages on his mobile phone, at 7pm Easter Saturday night he sent me a text stating that he was "... away for the weekend... fixing a boat with friends". I thought that I must have misunderstood his inital intent and immediately rang Marco for clarification.

Initially the conversation was amicable and polite, but when he began to unapolegetically explain that he was away for the entire weekend and suggested "we could catch up on Monday" I got upset.

Perhaps it had been evident for some time that things needed to be clarified, but I had intended to have this conversation face to face not over the phone. Sometimes, we have to be in the moment and grasp the opportunites as they preent themselves.

I sensed that this would be our last opportunity to say what needed to be said. So I took a deep breath and with all the courage I could muster, dived in and asked the difficult questions that I needed to have answered.

Woven through his words and responses were many emotions, but the message was clear our beautiful story of love and friendship was over.  It is never easy to hear from someone you love that they want to proceed with their life and desires without you, but I needed to know how he felt and where we stood and having experienced his intense love, adoration and trust, I susepcted that things had changed, but until that moment I had been unwilling to accept it. Especially because for me to walk away from someone I love with my body, soul and mind is inconvevable.

In his final words to me, he said "I'm getting nervous now". I don't know exactly what he intended to say or why, but there was no point continuing. And as I placed the phone on the receiver, my heart was quivering with sadness and I felt like I'd been drenched by cold rain. I was numb to my core.

In time, I will understand with a deeper clarity that I choose a love story that allowed me to swim, breathe and fly, but one that never promised me more. To be honest, when this beautiful, nurturing and enlightening love story began I didn't want anything more; but in recent years I have come to realise that I want to love someone who makes me feel like this and with whom I can create a future with.